Dethkok Metalocalypse Reprise
by jeanicidaljellybean
Summary: The Apoclypse is coming The Apocalypse is coming! death, death everywhere! its basically a parody of the show only the metal boys are more mental. dethkok rises and so do death rates and music sales earning them surveilance under a secret association
1. Chapter 1

_Dethkok Metalocalypse Reprise_

Chapter 1

In an alternate universe (akin to dethklok), a new metal band had arisen….DETHKOK! Like their brutal counterparts, they were alarmingly destructive (though they don't realize it at the time) and their fans were dying to see them perform (quite literally). Dethkok fans also had to sign release forms exempting Dethkok from all liability. As the Dethkok enterprise went up, death rates sky-rocketed (too bad they didn't figure that out until four lawsuits later).

This concerned a secret organization, The Council, as they dubbed themselves. Hidden underground, they called for an emergency meeting at headquarters to discuss matters of disposing Dethkok.

Each band members face was projected onto a panel of split screens. Mr. Skizophrenia zoomed in on a fair haired, blue eyed wonder. "Blitzgaar Blitzgelf, smaller than the eye can see" announced Skizophrenia. Click, he changed slides. The next slide was of a man of child-like qualities with frosty blue eyes and long brown hair. "Loki Sortooth, caught a humble flee".

Click. The third was of a handsome young stud who had a streak for pessimism, yet seemed insanely giddy. Curly dark brown hair crowned his face, his eyes an electrifying green. "Philip Lovespleen Lovespleen Lovespleen" Skizophrenia continued. He clicked over to the next slide. A man with a head full of fiery red dreadlocks and emerald green eyes appeared on the screen. "Mr. Peaches the drunkard, slurp slurp, gulp gulp, burpidy burp".

And finally, the fifth member. He was the most startling. Long onyx hair veiled most of his face, pale green eyes glared through the strands of hair, and a ghostly complexion (or lack there of) to top it off. "Jason Corrosion" Skizophrenia concluded. "These are the men that make up the infamous band Dethkok".

"Dethkok?" General Brazier commented. "Sounds like a tragic porno".

"It's not what you think. Their logo is a rooster in a grim reaper get up" resumed Mr. Skizophrenia.

"How can we be sure it's them?" questioned Senator Crampingson.

"With their fans dying left and right and their rampant behavior, who else would it be?" Tater Dorfraag cried peering at his colleague.

"Yes, and God has spoken to me through my thumb. He sent messages stating that it's these people in fact, that will bring about the apocalypse. They must be stopped before then" choked Cardinal Chameleon Bob (yes that's his name for the lack of a creative one).

"How can we be sure that these messages are credible?" asked Brazier.

"You dare to question God? My thumb that he has chosen as holy communicator?" hissed Chameleon Bob.

"I question your sanity" retorted General Brazier.

"His Holiness shall smite you-" Chameleon Bob was interrupted by Brazier.

"What are you going to do, finger my to death? I have the perfect solution to that…..amputation!"exclaimed Brazier.

"Gentlemen, please let's not get off topic. Why don't we keep a close watch over them, to prove this allegation. No offense Bob, but we need more evidence otherwise it's just a prediction, TOO circumstantial. We need solid proof that these are the right people. We don't need to kill innocent people, we can't afford that" asserted Crampingson.

"Time is running out" warned Bob.

"Then we make time. I won't risk our credibility and put our careers in jeopardy. We have to be scrupulous" demanded Crampingson. With that the meeting was adjourned.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's note**:sorry this took me a while to post up. with school, looking for employment and everything i've hadnt had time to write much. but now im out for the winter will be able to write and post more. hope you like! _

Chapter 2

Wasting away in the lounge at Bordhaus, the Dethkok boys are enjoying a nice evening of pure, dark, morbid, ruthless television. People were in celebration of new organs and were going to bid a famous opera singer farewell, for this would be her last show.

_I needed a kidney transplant desperately_

_Genco showed this single mom sympathy_

_This makeover came for a small added fee_

_Now I look smashing on live T.V.!_

A blonde haired beauty sang, as she flashed the television set. The boys cheered when they witnessed such an explicit pair of twins, putting them in perfect euphoria (no it wasn't the booze this time, well maybe it was a little). "You know for mom, she's pretty hot. Except; she has kids. I hate kids….eh, I'd do her" muttered Jason. The boys were all mesmerized by the woman's figure.

"Yeah, I's dos her too" agreed Loki and Blitzgaar in unison.

"Loki, stops copyings me. It'z notz, yous know, polites" complained Blitzgaar, irritated that Loki would dare steal his idea.

"I was nots copyings yous Bliztgaar. I was agreeing wis Jason; I would dos the pretty goil on the T.B. box too. Yous were copyings me" argued Loki. They got into a "stops copyings me" argument.

"Can you two douche bags shut up? I'm trying to watch the movie. How rude. And it's called T.V. Loki. T.B.'s tuberculosis" bitched Lovespleen.

"What's tumer….tervu…tuger…tuummerklu…….tumerklusosees, what's that?" asked Loki stumped by the very large term that his questionably gay band mate mentioned.

"Tuberculosis" repeated Lovespleen. "It's a disease when you cough up blood. There's a cure for it, but if it goes untreated you could die" he explained to the child-like wonder.

"Brutal" Loki whispered in amazement, fascinated by the prospect. After playing the image of people regurgitating blood, he peered back at the T.V.

Peaches took a sip from his whisky bottle. "Personally, I like Amber Sweet. She's a cutie, and very brutal. That's how many incisions she's gone through? God, I don't know, but she's a knock out after my own black, metal heart" he said from the end of the sofa. He gave out a short whistle displaying his attraction for her.

"Comes to think of itz, that's moms pretty hotz, but blindz magz more my type" declared Blitzgaar.

"Usually I would have to say that, I don't know, operas aren't my cup of tea; but this one's pretty brutal. I mean, uh, well uh, higher authorities legalizing murder to repossess an organ, that's metal. I should write a song about that. Ok shut up, shut up or I'll kill you douche bags, the best parts coming up" demanded Jason. The climax was reaching its peak. The female lead character was just about to capture the villain, to reveal his identity when an eruption of rampant quivers shook the manor. The boys dove under tables, chairs, couches, they even hid in closets.

The quakes lasted for about sixty seconds before coming to an abrupt halt. Then, the after math occurred. More trembles, this time they lasted about a minute and half. When the shaking finally stopped (for good this time) the band came out of their hiding places. Everything was still in tact; the DVD was still playing as well. With a sigh of relief, they sat back down on the sofa. A bowling ball began to roll off of the shelf but before anyone could save the T.V, it crashed down, destroying any hope of finding out what becomes of poor Shilo and her overprotective father, Nathan Wallace.

Jason's pupils dilated, blood rushing from his face accumulating at the bottom of his feet, he cried in despair, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and sauntered over to the sofa (now play that in slow motion). The boys sighed as they mourned the loss of their beloved television. "Damn it Peaches, I told you to put your bowling ball somewhere else. It could've been anywhere, but not the T.V." groaned Jason.

"Heheh, Sorry. Must've forgot. I was really tired coming home that day from bowling league, and the closet was full and I didn't know where else to put it. Especially since my room's filled with my collection of various booze bottles and cans. Well anyway, sorry there Jase" apologized Peaches.

"Wowee, whats was that?" exclaimed Loki. "its felts like ones of those roller coaster cars on hyper speeds".

"It was an earthquake Loki" Carl Sofdenson said from behind startling him.

"Ah, wheres did yous comes from? Ares yous like a ghost or somethings? pops out of nos wheres" retorted Loki.

"No but he looks like one. He should get a tan. Hey look, it's Casper the friendly ghost" Jason teased. The rest of the band chuckled.

"Uh, Jason, you're pigment is more sallow than mine is, in fact you LACK pigmentation" uttered Sofdenson.

Jason stopped laughing. "It's a skin condition" he sulked. He gazed down at the floor. "Anyway, hey, you wanna buy us a new T.V? Ours was busted in the earthquake and we wanna finish watching our movie so….uh if you could do that, we'd really appreciate it. Courtesy of….you. Thanks" requested Jason.

"That's what I came down to speak to you guys about. After viewing your current bank statements I came across some very unfortunate news. It seems that those law suits cut us back quite a bit. I had to file for bankruptcy this morning" announced Sofdenson.

"What does that mean? Cut out the fancy shmancy talk and get to the point" asserted Jason.

"We're broke" replied Sofdenson.

"So…no T.V?" questioned Jason.

"You have $4.79 in your bank account" said Sofdenson.

"I'm going to ask one time and be honest. No T.v?" inquired Jason hoping that Sofdenson wasn't serious.

"This isn't a joke, you don't have the funds for a new T.V. I've taken the liberty of setting all five of you up with job-" Sofdenson was interrupted by Jasons gasps of terror.

Not only was he not going to see the conclusion to _Repo! The Genetic Opera_, but he and the rest of the Dethkok boys were going to be forced to get jobs. Oh the horror. "What about concerts? Isn't it your job to book us gigs?" Jason inquired.

"No one's available for shows at the moment. I'm sorry Jason, you'll just have to get a new job until I'm able to book more tours. It's only temporary" replied Carl.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" exclaimed Jason. He nearly passed out from shock.

"You all start first thing tomorrow morning" Carl said. "Here are index cards that tell all the information that you'll need to know about your jobs" he handed them their cards and left them to marinate in their grief. All band members peeked at their cards, chagrined by the occupations they were given.

The next morning the Dethkok group met up at a West Hills shopping center where their workplaces were in close range of each other. "Ok, this is what we're going to do. We're going to got to work probably get drunk to get through the day and meet back here at about four o'clock for break. Then we'll complain about how offensively NOT metal this is, go back to work, then come home and get drunk again and possibly nail some sluts or something" proclaimed Jason.

"Uh, Jason? You wont be able to be intoxicated for the during of your working hours. I've prohibited all use of alcohol to keep you guys from digressing from work" Sofdenson stated.

"What? No booze? What the fuck is this the nineteen twenties? You know we can't function without it. What a Booze Nazi" cried Mr. Peaches. They all agreed to meet back at four, and went their separate ways.

The sign read, "Hotdog on a Stick". Jason reluctantly sauntered to the counter. "Hi, my name's Jason I'm here for the job I am forced to do" mumbled Jason. The store clerk paused to think about it.

"Ah yes, you're Jason Corrosion the vocalist of Dethkok. Sofdenson told me about you. I'm Gary Goldfinger, manager and clerk. I will be doing your training today. Here is your apron and hat, put those on and we'll get started" the nerdy guy with glasses said as he handed Jason his uniform.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I have to wear this get up?" asked Jason dubiously. Gary nodded and smiled revealing buck teeth and a bad case of overbite. "No, I'm not wearing this" Jason protested. "My Integrity's on the line".

"You have to, it's imperative that you wear the uniform to promote business and to show business spirit" insisted Gary. "If you don't, I'll fire you" the dorky store clerk threatened. Jason grabbed the uniform and put it on while mumbling a storm of profanity under his breath.

Meanwhile, Blitzgaar was being led around "Leland's House of Strings" a guitar shop on the corner of the shopping center. "We are honored to have you here Mr. Blitzgelf" Leland, Blitzgaars tour guide squeaked with glee. "Dude, you are a guitar playing god. Maybe we can have a practice session later" Leland hoped.

"Please, calls me Blitzgaar. Mr. Blitzgelf was my fathers. And thanks you for havings me, it's a pleasures tos be here" said Blitzgaar. "Ands, I'll thinks abouts it". That put a smile on Leland's face. Leland showed Blitzgaar his station where he would be giving students lessons.

For the time being, Loki was having a blast working in "Jimmy Jellybean's Candy Emporium" with his two co-workers Jimmy Jellybean and a girl he took a fancy to named P.K. Jimmy Jellybean was an old guy, around the age of 62 whose mechanisms were leisurely and fragile. P.K. was about 19 or 20 with long raven black hair and turquoise eyes who shared Loki's love for sweets. She always wore fitted clothing that would embrace her slender frame; a tiny silver loop pierced her left nostril and a silver stud on her left brow to match.

"What's the Ps and the Ks stands for in yours name?" Loki asked as innocent as ever. She glanced up from the magazine she was reading entitled _Scare Fest 09. _It was this months (October) issue. Making eye contact made Loki a bit nervous though he managed to stay calm.

"They stand for Perry-Kane. My moms idea, I know weird name right?" she asked turning her focus back to the magazine.

"Nos, it's a lovelys name. It suits yous. Whats nice piercing yous have" Loki blurted, the nerves finally taking their toll.

"You think so? Thanks. They're not my only piercings, my ears happen to be double pierced on each side" P.K. slicked back her hair to expose her earrings. "Hey, do you want to help me set up the Halloween decorations? I would ask Jim, but he's not as strong as he used to be".

"Sures. I's loves to helps decorate" Loki affirmed. P.K. led him toward the back of the store to fish out the decorations.

As for Peaches, he was trying to stay awake during the video of how to bake pretzels, appropriate conduct in the work place, and standard procedures for "Wetzel's Pretzels" hosted by his boss, Peter Saltenstien. Peter was a drab, monotone person with absolutely no taste. The film finally ended and Peter waltzed in holding a clipboard.

"How'd you like the video? Do you understand your expectations here at "Wetzel's Pretzels?" Peter asked. Peaches nodded. "Any questions or comments you may have?"

"Yeah that video was boring" Peaches muttered to himself. "Um, what's your policy on alcohol?" inquired Peaches.

"It's greatly frowned upon during business hours, but afterwards feel free to uninhibit yourself as much as possible" Peter remarked candidly. "Now lets get you started and earn money, money, MONEY" he exclaimed maniacally. The first time fluctuation was present in his voice. How random Peaches thought. Then Peter went back to his old monotone.

That leaves Lovespleen. He was folding clothes at the popular lingerie shop "Victoria Secret". His boss, Christina Boustierre was always looking over his shoulder, which aggravated him. "Don't forget to restock the shelves with the new body sprays and lotions Lovespleen" she uttered bitterly. "And don't expect any special treatment just because you're in a famous rock band" she added.

Lovespleen just sighed and flipped her the birdie as she walked off to go bark at another employee. "Excuse me sir, but do carry this bra in a forty-two D?" questioned a busty brunette. She held up a sparkly, black lace bra with hot pink straps.

Lovespleen directed her to the clothes wall on the East side of the store. "Thank you" she said as she trotted off. "Lovespleen, take over register, you're not folding the bikini bottoms properly so I'll have to do this part of your job for you. Oh no, not her again. "That's strike one, two more and you're out" Christina called out to him. Lovespleen stomped off toward the counter.

Four o'clock came around when the boys took their break, and met up at a Dunken Hill's coffee shop. "Ugh, this job's fucking BRUTAL! My manager's a douche bag and we have to wear this stupid apron and hat. Then there was this indecisive kid who had me running back and forth to get him eight different flavors of hot dogs, and I almost killed one of the customers for making fun of my uniform. God, this is degrading" grumbled Jason.

"Eh, I donts know, I's kind ofs like my jobs. Wes get tos eat alls the candys we wants" Loki uttered.

"My job's boring; I had to watch a film on how to make pretzels. I'm going to kill Sofdenson for setting us up with these horrible jobs" Peaches stated.

"Yeah well, at least you guys don't have to deal with a bitch who doesn't know how to fold lingerie to save her life" declared Lovespleen. The boys turned to stare at their band mate in utter silence. "What? I work at Victoria Secret" stated Lovespleen.

"Blitzgaar; you're the only one who hasn't mentioned how crappy your job is, are you willing to testify?" inquired Jason.

"It'z alrights, the studentz are learnings how tos play the guitars quite nicely if I's dos say so's myself" Blitzgaar muttered in content. "Well, looks at the times, I should getz back to my studentz" Blitzgaar said. With that the Dethkok boys dispersed once again.

After returning from break, Jason noticed an ambulance parked outside Hotdog on a Stick, Paramedics rushing in and out. "Jason, can I speak to you for a moment?" Gary said looking a little angry. "Didn't I specifically ask you to clean up the grease spill on the floor around the kitchen?" he said sternly.

"Yeah but then it came time for my break, I was off the clock" replied Jason, puzzled.

"Yes, well thanks to you going on break before cleaning the spill, Danny slipped and fell in the deep fryer. He suffered third degree burns and now has to go on unemployment. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Gary scorned Jason.

"Uh, wanna free cheese dog?" Jason shrugged.

"You're fired, please return you uniform" Gary persisted. Jason handed him his hat and apron and left.

"Oks Dillon, play the keys of c" Blitzgaar said. Dillon had inadvertently played a g note instead of c. "Wrong!" Blitzgaar cried as he dumped a bucket of pig's blood on his head. Dillon teared up and ran out of the shop crying.

"Blitzgaar, did you dump a bucket of blood on that kids head?" Leland asked.

"Yes, itz helps them learns hows tos play the guitars" replied Blitzgaar.

"I'm sorry Blitzgaar but I'm going to have to fire you" Leland sighed.

"You're going tos lights me onz fire?" asked Blitzgaar.

"No, I mean discharge you. You can't work here anymore" said Leland. Blitzgaar walked away in shame.

As for Loki, when he returned, he found P.K. setting up the last orange and black garland. Jimmy was counting the number of jelly beans he had inserted in the jar. "Loki? I would like you to monitor the candy machine in the back of the factory" Jimmy wheezed. "Make sure it's running in tip top shape. And please bring the packaged candy to the counter (cough, cough). It'll take an hour or so for all the candy to be completely packaged so you'll have to wait there for a while (cough, cough)" requested Jimmy.

Loki honored his boss and left for the factory room in the back of the shop. He sat in front of the control panel, watching the sweet treats being processed on the conveyor belt. He immediately became overwhelmed with boredom, so he whistled and hummed a few tunes here and there. He even grabbed a packet of lolly pops and candy corn from the shelf to snack on. A couple of hours passed as he stuffed himself with more and more sweets. He finally passed out from a diabetic coma, his head pushing against the "overdrive" button sending the machine on a candy-making frenzy.

Eventually, the engine blew out, sparks flying across the room. There was an oil spill at one end of the engine when it cracked from working in overdrive mode. An ember just so happened to fall into the oil spill, sending flames on a path of destruction before an enormous explosion erupted annihilating the entire shop. Smoke and angry flames rose like a stairway to heaven.

P.K. managed to drag Loki to safety before he suffered anymore damage. Ash blanketed his face. Jimmy slapped a couple of times to make sure he hadn't made an early departure. "Come on sonny, wake up (cough, cough)" urged Jimmy. Loki's eyelids began to slowly lift.

"Uh, whats happened?" groaned Loki. "My heads hurtz really badsly" he whispered. A tooth fell out of his mouth landing on his shoe.

"Are you ok there sonny? Do you remember what happened back there? (cough, cough)" asked Jimmy. P.K. left to call the fire department.

"I's think so. I was waitings for the candys tos be gift wraps and thens I gots bored so's I was hummings a few songs. Thens I gots really hungrys so's I grabbed candys from the shelfs and ate its. Befores you knows it, I blacks out and woke ups here" replied Loki.

"How much candy did you have to eat?" the old man gasped.

"Ohs, I don'ts know, a bags of lolly pop, two bags of that yummys candy corns, fifteen bag of M&Ms, ten of those vanilla weasels, and twelve candy apples" Loki recalled.

Jimmy sighed. "Sorry kid, but I'm going have to let you go. Not only did you (cough, cough) eat the merchandise, but you also neglected the machines not to mention, you burned down my shop. I'm sorry again, but you're fired no pun intended (cough, cough)" Jimmy declared with gloom. The fire fighters arrived in time to extinguish the fire but not (unfortunately) to save Jimmy's candy Emporium.

Business was streaming with customers, the law of supply and demand weighing heavily on Peaches. So many people wanted a mozzarella stuffed pretzel with marinara sauce on the side. They were running short on cheese so Peaches decided to improvise. In one pretzel he put whipped cream and cottage cheese but burnt it, in another order he found a small stick of a moldy slim jim to use a a mozzarella substitute but forgot the marinara, and another, he just used a dead rat; All while being under the influence of Jack Daniels.

Peaches secret ingredients took on a swift effect. Customers became critically ill, or died on the pot. The pretzel stand wasn't getting nearly as much customers as before. Peter had to investigate the decrease in sales. "What did you feed them, Peaches?" he demanded.

"A little of this and a little of that" was Peaches response. He hiccupped and almost fell over.

"Just what exactly is……are you drunk?" inquired Peter.

"NO…..well maybe a lil…… (hiccup) a little bit" Peaches remarked. This time he successfully flipped over the counter top.

"You're fired" muttered Peter.

"Tired? No, I'm not tired. I'm drunk" said Peaches. "Ow, I hurt my pinky". He quickly fell asleep.

"Excuse me" a high pitched voice squeaked from behind Lovespleen. It was the same busty brunette as earlier. Oh god what did she want now? "Um, I changed my mind, do you carry this pink satin one in my size?" she asked. Lovespleen led her to a rack. He reached over and plucked the same bra in a forty-two D. She lost her balance and fell on top of poor Lovespleen, her large breasts smothering his face. He squirmed, trying to get free.

"Oh my god, you perv!" the brunette cried as she got up. She slapped him before complaining to the manager. Oh my god, are you the manager?" Christy nodded. "Ok well one of your employers just sexually harassed me and he just like shoved his face in my cleavage and all I wanted was a pink satin bra" she whined. And then she stormed out.

"Lovespleen!" screamed Christy. Oh god, Christina is Satan incarnate. She's probably going to bark at Lovespleen informing him how incompetent he was. Great. He sauntered over to Christina. "Lovespleen, I'm sure you heard that lady's complaint, it would've been hard not. So……you're fired". Lovespleen took it as a release from hell and skipped off. He didn't belong in the retail business, he was a musician not a store clerk. There was no other place for him other than being the basest for Dethkok.

Lovespleen spotted is band mates hanging out in the parking lot. "Hey what are bastards doing here? Don't you guys have work? And where's Peaches?" he asked strolling up to the group.

"We were all fired fro our jobs. Yeah, all our bosses are jack offs. I mean so what if there were a few mistakes we're new. It's not our fault the other employees are clumsy they should watch where they're going. Oh Loki's dragging him up right now; looks like he passed out again from being under the influence. Anyway, I could ask you the same thing. Did you get fired too?" said Jason.

"What do you think" Lovesleen stated irritably.

"That's a yes" Jason muttered to himself. "Oh look, a 'Chucky Cheese'. Anyone want to go celebrate being fired from our crappy jobs on the first day?" he asked. They agreed and sauntered off to the ultimate playground of childhood awesomeness (what? I enjoyed it as a kid. And yes the writer, le moi is speaking to you, the reader; so anyway, on with the story).

Them, being the greatest metal band got in for free (and little did they know at the request of Sofdenson). They placed pickles sleeping body inside the slide while they left to go have fun. Meanwhile, a scared nine year old kid noticed the passed out Peaches and screamed to his mother that there was a dead body on the slide. "Oh no Jimmy, that's not a dead body, that's just a drunk passed out on the slide. Come on, let's go to the ball pin" she said smelling the booze Peaches wreaked of.

"Hey you, do you have any alcohol? I'm going to need a liver transplant soon so I figure before I do, I might as well get as smashed as possible" Jason said to the clerk.

"Sir, this is a children's playground, we don't sell alcoholic beverages here" the clerk replied.

"Oh, ok, then I'll just go over…here…then. Yeah" Jason swiftly walked away a bit mortified.

"Hey Lokis looks what I's bought withs the tickets I's won. It's a glows in the darks guitar so nows I cans play ats night without turnings on the light…….whats are yous doing Loki?" asked Blitzgaar.

"I'ms trying tos beat Lovespleen's high scores in these new race car games" retorted Loki. Just then, Lovespleen's car ran off the road by hitting an old lady crossing the street. Loki won the race.

"What? What the hell was that old broad doing in the middle of the road? Blitzgaar look what you did, you through me off my concentration" complained Loveslpeen. "I'm going to go eat my weight in free pizza and get fat and depressed" he said as he stomped off.

Jason happened to pass by the ball pin when Sofdenson appeared, rising from the pool of plastic balls. Jimmy was about to dive in until he saw Sofdenson and yet again went screaming for his mother. "Where did you come from" inquired Jason.

"From this ball pin Jason. What happened? Why aren't you guys at work?"questioned Sofdenson.

"We were fired" replied Jason.

"I figured. So I have good news, I booked you guys a gig at the Dark Carnival that's in town. It starts in two hours. Why don't you guys meet me at the Hatredcopter right now so that kids mother doesn't think I'm a creepy child stalker" declared Sofdenson. They all accumulated at the hatredcopter and were off.


End file.
